Dining for a Dollar: The Holidays

Balls

The Frankford Candy & Chocolate Co.'s "Balls" offer the traditional frustration of trying to unwrap foil-wrapped confections without gouging them, plus the added and equally traditional frustration of finding streaks of waxy white blooming on the unwrapped chocolate. But who really wants to eat them anyway? The main reason to buy these stocking stuffers is their unfortunate name.

Scariest-sounding ingredient: "Cocoa (Processed With Alkali)."

Seasonally appropriate? Nothing says holiday fun like these seven words: "Would you like to taste my balls?"


Santa's Gummy Gifts: Candy Pops

Not quite lollipops, not quite Gummi candy... This special Santa-related treat was seemingly designed both to frighten and queasify small children. First, there's the packaging, which depicts a snowman holding a stick bearing—the head of another snowman! And if ritualistic snowmanicide isn't enough, there's the piece of plastic used to cover the Santa lolly: Remove the candy, and all that's left is a Mr. Claus with eyes so dilated he looks either homicidal or completely wasted.

Scariest-sounding ingredient: "Glucose syrup."

Seasonally appropriate? Not in the least. Halloween is for sickening and scaring children, not Christmas. Get it straight, Chinese company that manufactured these lollies for sole U.S. distribution by R.L. Albert & Son!

Marshmallow Peeps Cutouts: Holiday Cookie Flavored

Peeps are called Peeps for a reason, or so it would seem: They're marshmallow gunk shaped like little birds, and birds make peeping noises. But the Just Born candy company (founded by Russian immigrant Sam Born in 1923) has expanded the line so far that there's even a "not just for breakfast any more"-style slogan to accompany the various non-avian Peeps. Ready? "Peeps. Always in season." For this holiday, Peeps take the shape of gingerbread men and assume a noncommittal flavor called simply "holiday cookie."

Scariest-sounding ingredient: "Soy protein."

Seasonally appropriate? Not really. Peeps still taste like that other Jesus-related holiday, Easter. As everyone knows, the first Christians drank eggnog when Christ was born, and ate marshmallow birds when He died: So it was written, so it shall be done. In spite of the seasonal incongruity, though, these Peeps are quite delicious.