LOST: Recap

From EW:

OMG, hi, my little Lost kittens! It's me! Whitney! Back to guide you through this week's action-packed episode! Oh, man, do we have some stuff to talk about. Let's start with this: Skating With Celebrities? Didn't suck as bad as I thought it was going to!

So tonight will be remembered for one thing: The first real, declarative appearance of the Others. Sure, I mean, kidnapping Walt was one way to get noticed, but if you really want to make your point, what you gotta do is send Zeke out for a little face-to-face time with Jack. That'll wake 'em up, trust me.

Oh, while I've got you here: Did we all read the latest conspiracy roundup by EW's Jeff Jensen? Yes, he's listened to you, kittens, and posted some of his and your favorite theories about Smokey McSmoke-Smoke over yonder. If you at any point tire of my unfamiliarity with nanotechnology, let me assure you: Mr. Jensen and your fellow readers have it covered.

So once upon a time, Jack was a doctor. And after saving Carol Vessey's life (and then marrying her), word got out that he might also be a miracle worker. Enter Boris and Natasha! Boris has a tumor growing on his spine that he's been told is inoperable; Natasha is his daughter, who is hoping Jack will bring about another miracle (and then marry her). Jack — although he doesn't necessarily believe in miracles — takes the case, works long hours running tests, tries the surgery. Boris dies. Natasha (clearly experiencing some significant grief, duh) makes out with Jack. Jack goes home to discover that Carol Vessey is leaving him for another man anyway. And there, my friends, is what's wrong with Jack. I liked this flashback. Hell, I like any loose end that gets tied up. In the ''Oversimplification of Character's Personal Issues'' column, go right ahead and pencil in ''Jack always needs something to fix.''

That should explain why he's scampering off through the woods looking for Michael, no?

Oh! Right. Michael. Well, remember that one time last week when Michael took a sudden interest in guns? Yeah, well, he sorta clubbed Locke over the head, stole a gun, locked Locke and Jack in the gun closet, and ran off in search of Walt. Two things here: (1) Thank God someone's being proactive, and (2) boy, it sure makes a lot of sense to have Locke and Jack on Button Duty at the same time. But anyhoo, Kate and Sawyer show up just in time to let the President and VP out of the closet and Push the Button before the clock runs down, and then they all go off hunting for Michael.

Except Kate. Jack tells Kate to stay home, as usual.

Kate, as usual, does not do ''stay home.''

So the three boys are running through the woods, looking for Michael. They hear gunshots — seven or so. They take off running toward the gunshots. They find only three shells. Three is less than seven! And when Locke (who Sawyer, now a veritable nickname machine, has dubbed Mr. Clean) loses Michael's trail, that sets everything up oh-so-nice for the little Jungle U.N. Summit. And currently, Team Jack is not sitting on the U.N. Security Council — if you know what I mean. ''I think it's time we all had a talk,'' rasps Bad Santa Zeke (picture me now, sitting on my couch, mouthful of Nilla Wafers, screaming, ''Yes! It is high time someone had a talk with anyone around here!''). And then he makes some cat allusions and some coffee table metaphors and says, ''This is our island.'' But Jack tries to call Zeke's bluff. ''I think we outnumber you,'' he says, refusing to back down. Nice try, Jack! ''Light 'em up!'' Zeke yells, and the jungle is ablaze with torches, and then he reveals that not only has Kate not stayed home but she's gone and got herself kidnapped, too. And Zeke holds a gun to Kate's head and tells Team Jack to drop their guns. And because Evangeline Lilly is not scheduled to get killed off the show any time soon, Team Jack complies, and Zeke and his buddies slink off into the woods, leaving our friends to wonder exactly what they're up against here. Whatever it is, Jack's now a believer: When they all get home, he marches straight over to Strangely Peaceful Michelle Rodriguez and asks, ''How long do you think it would take to train an army?''

Oh, snap. It is on.

A few random notes of interest:

1. Lest you think I am not paying attention, I Googled ''Geronimo Jackson,'' and the first result was the birth announcement of a very cute kid born on Oct. 5, 2004. Please enjoy working yourselves into a lather over that one.

2. In the battle of ''He's my friend'' vs. ''I'm your wife,'' I give Sun 10-to-1 odds of getting her heart broken again. In fact, right now, I am projecting that Jin will be the next cast member killed. That's right. I said it. Too much happiness going on in that relationship. Smokey McSmoke-Smoke no like.

3. We knew Sawyer's real name was James Ford before, right?

4. Would it be possible, given enough time, to rig a clearing with some torches that could be lit by remote? Because I don't know about you, but I only saw like two, three actual people in the jungle surrounding Team Jack. Didn't the Lost Boys try something like that in Hook? (Ru-fee-oh!)

5. Is it just me, or was the whole scene with Charlie and Hurley in the bunker like some weird outtake from Everybody Loves Hurley? Lots of yuks — Hurley declares Libby to be cute ''in a 'I've been terrorized by the Others for 40 days' kind of way'' — and a random, we're-contractually-obligated-to-have-him-in-this-ep entrance from wacky neighbor Sayid? Don't get me wrong: I loved it. I think it has promise as a midseason replacement. It just seemed...odd. Like, oh, I dunno, the whole scene was there for the sole purpose of introducing Geronimo Jackson?

Anyhoo. Boy oh boy, those scenes from next week looked like a party, huh, kids? Something's up with Charlie's Heroin Marys and Claire's baby — plus, Todd Bridges is totally gonna eat it on those skates. See ya then!

What do you think? Do you have a better idea who the Others are? Do you think Jack's army could beat them? And what's your favorite Geronimo Jackson song?