I have no time due to work, so here's Television Without Pity's take on A.I. Real quick, I want Paula's drugs. Mainly to get through the torture that is turning into this show. I also want all the guys, except for Bo, to be kicked off the show. Here's TWP:
Theme: Nineties. Simon/Ryan threat matrix: slow boil with scattered slap and tickle. Most irritating six-months-behind audience sign: "Vote 4 Pedro."
Bo sings "Remedy" by my Black Crowes nemesis, giving it sixteen percent while dressed like a gay meth-head swamp dweller. He gives his wide-brimmed cow-print (!) hat to Paula, the better to wear as she slaps her own ass on the dance floor some night soon. Randy loves it, Paula thinks he was awesome, and Simon calls it extreme karaoke.
Jessica sings the boringest, slowest song I've ever heard, by LeAnn Rimes, called "On The Side Of Angels." I can't speak to the singing because it makes me start cleaning my house to stay awake, but she looks great. Randy and Paula hate the song choice, and Simon calls her "unlikable" and doesn't think she's trying hard enough.
Anwar, with R. Kelly's (say it with me) "I Believe I Can Fly." It's not great. What the fuck key is this? Randy hates his lower register, and the first half in particular, and points out how Anwar is all about the last note each week. Paula drunkenly gets hyperbolic, but calls it an original version. True that. Simon agrees with Randy, pointing out how uneven it was, and also how Paula only remembers the latter half of a given song because she's an airhead.
Nadia does Etheridge, meaning I already love it and haven't heard it yet. She looks fantastic, for starters, with the dancing, and…you must be tired of me going on about Nadia, so cross-apply, because this is one of Those Nadia Moments. The only problem is the backup, which is true on every song tonight. Randy calls her a great performer and says she made something of it. Paula loves it "miles better from last week." Simon is nervous that the song might not be impressively melodic enough.
Constantine was totally into grunge once (so that's over, huh?), explaining his choice of Bonnie Raitt's ever so grungy "I Can't Make You Love Me," also the best song ever written. The intentional rock-slurring of sibilants and labials is there, horribly, and the congenital grossness is all over me, but…note-wise, he's brilliant. Vibrato well-employed, pitch excellent, emotion and phrasing passable and smart. I hate him so much, but it's weird, because this isn't just the best thing he's done, it's also -- I hate myself, you guys -- one of the best of the night. Please don't think I like him, I hate him and want to bludgeon him, but if I can say when Ryan's hot, I can sure as hell say when Constantine's okay. Randy loved it because it wasn't all fake like before: "The real guy showed up." Paula calls it his best "male" performance, heh, and Simon says he did better than Bo. I'm not going to agree with him on record. God help me.
Nikko sings, badly to start, while well-dressed and dancing watchably, "Can We Talk?" by fondly-remembered T.E.V.I.N. (I assume written by Babyface), but gets there as usual. He looks so cute, if asexual as ever. Randy gives accolades up out the joint, and he and Paula are terribly proud of him. Me too. Simon calls it an imitation of the original, which honestly is a diss on the extremely dated accompaniment more than anything.
A-Fed sings "Something About The Way You Look Tonight," by Elton John, which is in large part about how the eponymous "something" takes his "breath away," which is just asking for it. Randy notes the sexy change in look and calls it "all right," Paula thinks he did a great job, Simon is frustrated because certain parts were "excruciating." Yes.
Carrie sings Martina McBride's "Independence Day," which is the usual Oprah-Book-Club subject matter, like, just how many times can people get raped, domestic violenced, or otherwise done wrong in a country song? Little fake Hallmark cards of adversity. Great vocal, though. Randy and Paula agree, while Simon just tells her how freaking wonderful and "It Factor" and superstariffic she is. Again.
Scott sings, wonderfully -- and looking more presentable, although still creepy as hell -- "One Last Cry" by Brian McKnight, and man. He does vocal tricks he simply should not be able to do. Vocally I think it might be the best of the night: the effortlessness is back this week, which it hasn't been the last few weeks. He's been awesome, but not this freak-show note-perfect no-alterations fantastic in a while, and it's lovely. It is what he needed to do. Randy's not into it, so much, and calls it pitchy, Paula is drunk and "vibing it," and Simon tells him some shit that isn't true.
Vonzell sings "I Have Nothing," looking fantastic and curvy in a dress that shouldn't work -- one of those gathered-at-the-knee mermaid prom deals -- and hitting every note. She's not Nikko, recreating it from scratch, so it's kind of karaoke, but it's good. Randy calls it a little sharp, okay given the difficulty of the song, and says the girls are on fire tonight. Paula notes she was singing higher than Whitney herself, and thinks it was a top performance of the night. Simon said he would have thought three weeks ago that attempting Whitney was dumb, but he loved it.
Review: Bo was bored and working it, Jessica bored the fuck out of me, Anwar may or may not have entertained dogs across the country, Nadia was subdued and wonderful to watch, Constantine had a new eyelid tic and still keeps trying to fuck me, Nikko was awesome, A-Fed was harsh to listen to, Carrie sang a Carrie song just like Carrie, Scott was more awesome than he has been in weeks, and Vonzell was unmemorably great. Final tableau: Nadia, of course, and Constantine. Ugh, too confusing. See you tonight.
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