I don't have time to review, and I'm not as funny as Jacob at Television Without Pity. I couldn't agree with him more. So here you go, kids:
Some idiot in the booth screwed up the phone numbers for three singers in the bottom-third during review, so instead of results Wednesday, we're getting rehashes of tonight, with "live elements," meaning Seacrest pantsing around, and the results show will be on Thursday. My O.C. night. I kind of hope that person is executed. To repeat: this shit doesn't matter because we're going to see it all again tomorrow. But it was pretty interesting. The theme was Billboard #1 Hits, which means the kids only had 930 songs to choose from. Harsh!
A-Fed sings "I Knew You Were Waiting For Me," because it's about having faith in Cheeseheart whatever whatever Capri Sun bullshit. I would have said, "Because if you put Aretha Franklin and George Michael in a blender and baked it at 350 to a golden bubbly, you'd have Ryan Seacrest." Then he sings horribly with cruddy hair, although he otherwise looks cute. Randy loves it because he wrote, performed and produced the song and actually there's no such thing as Aretha or George Michael, just the effect of Randy Jackson on the music of the twentieth century and beyond. Paula's CRAZY DRUNK the whole time and keeps tackling Simon and trying to climb him. Simon disses the faux sexiness of the dancing but mostly, he sounded horrible, and the only thing he's got tonight is being adorable, so why choose that to criticize?
Carrie "takes a risk" by singing the totally awesome song "Alone" by Heart. Her hair is insane. INSANE. She looks electrocuted. She doesn't sound that bad, of course, but dude, the hair is really distracting. She's at the seashore poking her face through a wooden standup of Olivia Newton-John at the end of Grease. Sideburns. Simon tells her she's going to win and also outsell all previous Idols. Even Carrie is dubious.
Scott really identifies with "Against All Odds." Whatever. I'll think about that tomorrow. He's wearing a velvet jacket and a-- no, there goes the hat. He's rocking back and forth all crazy as that beautiful voice comes out of him. He's also wearing last week's sun-- nope, there go the sunglasses. Pray it's almost over because he's not really rocking the layers. You know I love this song. Simon didn't think it was a fantastic vocal. It was, but not because he tried -- I don't think he's well tonight -- just because he's fantastic.
Bo Bice sings "Time In a Bottle." He looks scary in the darkness and his balladeer voice is nice but boring. There's a guitarist sitting onstage and the guy is getting as much camera time as Bo, who is kind of serenading him. There's a terrible "la-la-la" part in no key whatsoever, and Simon thinks he rocks, and then Paula kisses Simon's cheek and sniffs his armpit and slaps him, all in quick succession. I want to be on what she is on.
"Incomplete" was a #1 hit. By Sisqo. Who was in Dru Hill. That's like six things I didn't know. Nikko is dressed as...a burghermeister. He sounds thin but that control is there, and the Nikko Effect of sounding legit instead of originally sung by a miniature gay idiot. Hah! That's how he got back in! Simon calls it his best performance and then Paula literally climbs onto his face and I don't know who's more disgusted, him or me.
Vonzell sings "Best of My Love" by the Emotions, remembering listening to it on the radio with her Dad, how they'd dress up like cowboys. She dances out into the audience and is totally cute, and again, just put her in Destiny's Child. She deserves that money they're giving Michelle. Paula just kind of wanders around and Vonzell does a weird laugh into the camera that would be creepy if it were anybody else. Simon thinks it's the first time people will remember her, and Paula jumps his bones. Again.
Constantine sings "I Think I Love You" by the Partridge Family because, he says, "It's about time someone redid the song." Dude, you're on American Idol. This isn't for fucking posterity. He's wearing...oh, he looks like hell. He's also singing in this certain...this is hilarious. I know that much. But not in a way that makes me like him more. This is like...I'm without words. Holy hell. Randy's embarrassed for him and Paula doesn't know what the hell is going on, and Simon compares him to the experience of ordering "a guard dog for your home and getting delivered a poodle in a leather jacket." "That's astute," I say.
Nadia sings "Time After Time" and describes her personal preference as "arsy-fartsy," which is...DUDE! Forget Carrie. Nadia's got this totally bizarre mohawk happening. She looks like when Storm went through her Claremont shit and came back all punk and Kitty Pryde was all, "What are you, gay now?" and Storm was like, "Fucking chill." The arrangement is pretty cool, but this has nothing to do with Nadia at all. There's so much going on with the hair and the time signatures and the crazy shirt and the...Constantine...I've kind of misplaced her entirely. I'm sure it was nice but there was a lot going on? I agree with Simon that it was her weakest performance yet, and by a wide margin.
Mikalah sings Taylor Dayne's "Love Will Lead You Back." She looks incredibly beautiful and her totally weird affected voice is not so off-putting here; the song was a really good idea. Paula confuses Mikalah with the actual Taylor Dayne, and Simon calls her a complete and utter mess and then: some fake fighting and drunk Paula.
Anwar sings "Ain't Nobody" by Chaka Khan. Well, this'll be gay. He looks about as hot as he's ever looked, but also totally uncomfortable, and sounds crappy. He's yelly and weird and dances exactly like Pink because they're both dudes the exact same amount. The judges all praise his last note, and Simon pretty much punches Paula in the face, because she's being so irritating tonight, but I don't think she'll remember.
Then Jessica sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and it's awesome. That song is so rad. The hair and makeup look gorgeous, and that achy quality in her voice I like so much, which is what this song is about, really, is all over it. It's that country thing: take the country thing and sing non-country with it, and I will love you forever. Unless you sing Heart, I guess. The judges all freak out and tell her how awesome she is. Then, the tainted phone numbers.
Tomorrow: WE DO ALL THIS SHIT AGAIN only Ryan might not be wearing such a flattering t-shirt. Happy birthday to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment