"President Bush is urging all nations to cut off aid to Hamas, including $234 million dollars we were going to send them. In fact, to make sure the money doesn't get there, he's putting FEMA in charge of it."---Jay Leno
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"The Justice Department has subpoenaed Google. They're demanding to see records that will tell them how often people search for porn on the Internet ... First they tap our phones, now they want our Google searches. When did the government turn into our jealous girlfriend?"---Jimmy Kimmel
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"Earlier tonight, President Bush delivered his State of the Union address. The president gave the speech at 9 p.m., which means he had to wear his pajamas under his suit."---Conan O'Brien
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"Yesterday at a press conference President Bush said he had not seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, he did express an interest in drilling for oil there"---David Letterman
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"A comet is, of course, frozen bodies of ice and dust formed over 4.6 billion years ago---or created 6,000 years ago, depending on whether or not you're wrong."---Jon Stewart
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