America Wakes Up

Finally there's no more suckage on American Idol. Last week we said bye to Scott Savol and this week to A-Fed.

My thoughts about A-Fed... probably a real nice guy, he might be a lesbian, and I think someone crunched all of his facial features into the dead center of his head. Seriously, his eyes, nose and mouth are all in the dead center of his face. It's weird. He sounds like Jon Secada every week. And would be really good at karaoke. He was the best of the worst, and it's time for him to go. Here's Television Without Pity, just because Jacob (who writes the American Idol recaps) is so damn funny:

Vonzell and A-Fed look uproariously happy, while Carrie and Bo look freaked out and pissed. It's interesting. Ryan's dressed for his Fisher & Diaz interview, asks who we voted for, and points out the judges: "We know who they liked!" but I don't think we really do, because they were all bearing crazy Big Brother trickledown false witness with the producers' hands up them.

I believe: it was Carrie's best night so far, Bo was awesome on his first song but sucked on the second, and A-Fed did the best of anybody. All of which is the exact opposite opinion from the rest of the world. Carrie had a real girl's body; real live Bo was back, his grandmother crazy/beautiful; Vonzell screwed the pooch like Natasha Lyonne, and then lost her shit live, also like Natasha Lyonne; and A-Fed sang a song guaranteed to piss me and Simon off. Second go-round, Bo and the polloi made love to clichés; Vonzell brought it back with a damn vengeance; Carrie was awesome and got sold out, but had some glorious "emotions"; and A-Fed was called good but soulless. Per Ryan, they "rocked and rolled with country and soul." Oh, kiddo.

The Idols sing "Islands In The Stream," a fun song if ever there was one, and are all very loving with each other, and Bo for another week running was the superstar of all people. Is there anything cuter-slash-more terrifyingly Aryan than the Starship Troopers-ness of Carrie and Anthony singing together? They have to sing about "making love to each other (uh huh)" and it's more disturbing for them than anybody. Carrie's not good, Bo is of course great (though his mic is possibly not even on the whole time), Vonzell is lovely, and I can't hear Anthony at all. He's wearing this frayed-lapel jacket that makes him look like Red Buttons's little hobo baby, and then Carrie and Anthony hold hands in the air so that his votes will go to Carrie because they are BFF.

There's a totally awesome pimpomercial of "Ready To Go," which pulls me back in life like Eliza Dushku to when I could drink all day and I didn't even know what a hangover was and I thought I was better than coffee. Bo drives up like his drug-dealing self with some Björk hair, and talks the kids into getting into his ugly car for some candy; they hallucinate it's a rollercoaster, and make crazy faces. The Idols, they cannot act. There's not even pretend singing this week, just them making faces and having psycho hair, and it's so, so awesome. They get out of the car giggling, and A-Fed points at Bo and says, "You look funny!" in a very adorable way. Then we watch him say this sixteen times because the more pregnant Anna gets, the more times we have to watch A-Fed do cute things.

Then we get to see their original auditions, much of which footage we've never actually seen because the "audition" episodes were not about good singing. Vonzell in Miami with her pink and green outfit singing "Chain Chain Chain" freaking terrifically, and you see now-Zell being really, really nervous watching it. Maybe because it reminds her of the days when she had no eyebrows at all. Randy says that she's grown a lot and has gained confidence and figured out that she's awesome. Anthony in Cleveland sings a Jon Secada song we've never heard on the screen, where now-Thony and Ryan flirt about how goofy he was, and how yelly. He has not changed whatsoever, honestly, but Paula backhands that he's "his own Anthony," and not Clay anymore. Ugh. Catch up.

Carrie really hates watching her audition, but I like it: all kinds of actual feelings and emotions appropriate to a Checotah girl. She sings best song ever candidate "I Can't Make You Love Me," while now-Carrie whisper-giggles with A-Fed (possibly about how Paula totally hates her). BFF, people! Now vote! Randy tells then-Carrie to work on emotion and stage presence -- heh -- and then Ryan and Simon have another big gay love spat about Simon pimping her high and low. Bo's unseen audition, from the day I recapletted him as a swamp guy who shouts Bible verses at the people chained up in his basement, I do not like: it's screamy and affected and nervous. On the other hand, he is now fifty times hotter, and doesn't ramble on and on nearly as much.

The three non-losers will jet home all VIP and that'll be awesome, while A-Fed will fly home coach. Anna intuits that this will be one of those nights "where he just mows them down one after the other," and she's right: Bo, you didn't suck/sucked, or vice versa, and Carrie, you had your best night of the season or else you were great and then sucked, but you're both safe. Carrie giggles and jumps shrieking into Bo's arms and it's somehow adorable. A-Fed, the judges lied meanly to you some more, but Vonzell, you totally lost your mind, so Anthony's leaving. Which: bummer, but I called it, so I'm used to the idea. There is no "Seacrest out" tonight. Ryan and I keep losing our babies.

Video Journey, and you already know everything he says, and just because it's true and sweet doesn't mean it isn't kind of boring. Ryan grabs him and does not let go, during all this, but, like, it's A-Fed. Good day or bad day, he still requires judicious hugging. He sings "If You Don't Know Me" again and fucks up the lyrics but sounds pretty good, and Carrie freaks out Angela Chase-style, with the ugly real crying. Which is projected onto the giant screen above him (not her fault), and he sings to her, and she screams and intensely ASLs "I love you!" and continues to fucking lose it. Anna starts crying and throwing things into her purse and says through her tears, "Well, guess I'm a pedophile [sniffs, laughs bitterly, wipes a tear] and I guess I'm okay with that." And then runs out the door sobbing.

I'm just gonna leave it at that.