Idol Chatter

From televisionwithoutpity.com

Nadia sings Crystal Gayle's "When I Dream" (Mac Davis, 1977), a light breeze away from a wardrobe malfunction, not to mention stunning, in basically a drawstring bag. The judges uniformly believe she invented the song her damn self, but she was lovely, as usual, and sang it strongly and well. She will be in the bottom three.

Bo (1975) sings "Free Bird" (duh), a song I adore, and is awesome and with his mojo fully back. I think Bo's grandma is Jay Alexander. The judges uniformly fit him for a huge Julius Caesar fall, like, a big old song-appropriate bird flies into the studio and buzzes some people, but that's a ways off. He's great at being Bo and nothing but.

Anwar (1978) sings Dionne Warwick's "I'll Never Love This Way Again," a song so boring you don't recognize it until the chorus, and even then only barely. He's natural and more commanding than previously, but way flat. The judges praise his technique and ignore the flatness; then Ryan kisses him on the lips and they get gay married.

A-Fed sings "Every Time You Go Away" (Paul Young, 1985, which: yikes!), utterly rocking my life, and I mean he thoroughly fucking sings it. This was his best performance, going right to the cheesy heart of what I love about him: we are brothers in Journey, and shouty singing. It's awesome, and the judges and Ryan totally dug it too.

Vonzell sings "Let's Hear It For The Boy" (1984, Deniece Williams) really well, with the energy high, the crowd insane, and the judges happy she chose a well-known song and sang it well, the two halves of what will keep her around, Nadia Turner, and it was so fantastic and so Vonzell and I might just remember her in five minutes.

Scott (1976) sings "She's Gone," by Hall & Oates, who are here tonight, and who have become indistinguishable from the equally confused-looking and leather-like Siegfried & Roy. History repeats itself as Ryan, heedless of my warnings, makes a sudden movement and is mauled by Scott Savol, who then drags him partially off-stage and beats him with a telephone. And still people vote for him.

Seriously, though: His intro is all about how he likes to beat on things and people and has ever since he was little, which bugs me on a PR level, because how fucking dense do you have to be? Then, the song itself was shit, frankly, so I spent the whole time figuring out that my favorite song in the entire world, "Magnet and Steel" by Walter Egan, is actually from the year of my birth, and is clearly what I would sing if I were on this show. I also learned there were some bomb-ass songs in 1978, to wit:

"You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth," "Come Sail Away" which is like the best song ever, "Hot Blooded" if I were A-Fed, "We're All Alone" if I were Anwar, and "Hollywood Nights," if I were Julie Cooper. Not to mention songs I wouldn't actually choose, but rule: "Baby Come Back," "Wonderful Tonight," "Wuthering Heights," "Just The Way You Are" or "She's Always A Woman," or "Lovely Day," by Bill Withers. All of which I'd laugh my ass off like Jimmy Fallon if I tried to actually do, but not as much as the C group: "Sometimes When We Touch," "Thank You For Being A Friend" (seriously), "Werewolves Of London," "Take A Chance On Me," and of course, "MacArthur Park." Impossible to choose, so I've learned I clearly don't belong on this show. Guess that worked out. Finally, I learned that: I am cheesy.

Anyway, he's awful and pulls a Justin Guarini on Simon and acts once more the total asshat. The other judges heap on praise but only Simon tells the truth: that there were more bad notes than good ones. Hall & Oates just look anxious the whole time.

Carrie (1983) is looking all kinds of Kelly but sounds amazing on "Love Is A Battlefield" by Pat freakin' Benatar, which…that's Anna's favorite person on this planet and I was like, "Oh yeah?" But she was great, and suddenly sexy as hell. The judges adore it (though Randy and Simon have some Teflon-coated non-lethal bullets loaded). I don't know what happened, if there's a new chip in her brain or something where she's awesome, but DAMN. All she's missing are the hos with their shoulder-menacing dances.

Then after an unending intro, effing Constantine sings "Bohemian Rhapsody" (1975). And heard without looking, first, there are pitch problems but he's -- the sounds he emits, the spitty mushmouth and all, bug me, but like, it's fucking good. I knew the bitch could suddenly sing, but that was only ever like one third of the issue, so with my glasses on, I'm relieved to find that he's horrible again. Those are some magic glasses.

Review: Nadia being all chanteuse and doomed. Bo Bice being awesome and way accessorized. Anwar being forgettable but comfortable for the first time. A-Fed singing the best song of the night, and not too shabbily either. Vonzell redefining the concept of "Vonzell is adorable." Scott being dead to me. Carrie being fucking awesome, which ugh, and then Constantine singing about suicide while emoting that he wants to take me behind a shed somewhere. Great show all around, actually; maybe the best of the finals. I'm really scared because the people I want gone did really great, while the people I love are too "artsy-farsty" to sing songs anyone has ever heard.

So. Tonight's gonna suck. See you there