Late Shows

If I were a late night talk show host, this is the time I would want to be one. You could be the laziest writer on one of these shows and still come up with some quality shit. There's that much crap going on out there.

"The Supreme Court has ruled that with a warrant, police no longer have to knock before kicking your door in. Unless, of course, you're the Vice President of the United States and we're talking about shooting a man in the face. Then you can come back tomorrow."
---Jay Leno

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"This is a weird story. President Bush has apologized today for scolding a member of the White House press corps for wearing sunglasses because he found out the reporter is legally blind. ... Bush also apologized for telling physicist Stephen Hawking `to get off your lazy ass.'"
---Conan O'Brien

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"I've never been a fan of amphibians. Not only do they strengthen the argument for evolution, they are nature's fence sitters. Come on amphibians, which is it...water or land? Pick one. We're at war."
---Stephen Colbert

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"[President Bush,] you were in Baghdad for six hours. You weren't even in the real Baghdad. You were in the Green Zone. That's like going to the Olive Garden and saying you've been to Italy."
---Jon Stewart

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"Anybody here from New Zealand? They have a big, new attraction. It's a live sex show in New Zealand. They have actual bulls mounting a simulated cow. Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work."
---David Letterman