Dear Britney,
I know the press has been hounding you a lot lately and I can only guess how difficult it must be for you, but let's be honest here, shall we?
Doing a nationally televised interview with Matt Lauer requires more preparation than just showing up. For your benefit, I've assembled a few pointers:
1. Gum. Chewing and chomping while attempting to speak is just not an acceptable combination. Watching you attempt to do it is unbearable.
2. Put some clothes on. Yes, we know you are pregnant and your boobs are huge and your belly is expanding. We don't need either part to come bursting through our television screens. It scared the young children in my house!
3. The Skirt. At least I think it was a skirt. Might have been a modified tube top for all I know, but for god's sake woman, keep your legs together!
4. Makeup. You can afford several makeup artists, why not take advantage of that little perk in your life? Maybe you're not aware, but frosty eyeshadow went out back in the 80s, hon.
5. Hair. I'm not even sure where to start. I think you know as well as I do that it looks like shit.
6. Career. Last I checked, you didn't have one.
7. Husband. I know you think love will "conquer all", but seriously, Kevin just tells you that so you'll believe him when he says he wasn't screwing those other girls while partying with his buddies.
I realize this letter may be difficult to read but it's for your own good, Britney.
Your friend,
Jen
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